I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.