I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
The Struggle
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.