*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
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Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.