If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.