007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.