it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda