Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
how to have fun when you’re poor
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.