Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Doggies just call it style.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Always.
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