Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end