Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
My dress code is business-casualty.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*