My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.