Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
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me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“TGIM!” – My liver
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.