Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish