Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
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“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Somebody’s lying.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.