[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
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I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.