“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
You Might Also Like
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”