hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.