If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
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Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
very niche meme I made
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.