(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.