DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
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Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
time machine? you mean a clock?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.