Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.