Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
🌱🌱🌱
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything