[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
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1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.