Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
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I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.