Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.