In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
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HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
All excellent questions
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.