If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My wedding will be open casket.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.