[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
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[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
That’s amazing.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face