my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
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BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.