The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Happy thanksgiving!
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.