Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
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*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.