mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
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“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Covid like
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am