HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.