My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
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Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
wtf management?!
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..