and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You Might Also Like
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Name this drama.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here