vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
They say women only use 10% of their anger
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.