Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.