i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
You Might Also Like
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird