The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Become ungovernable.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.