Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
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Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
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judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.