[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Cake safety first. Always.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.