[montage of me giving-up]
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FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Do one person every day that scares you.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*