Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.