*seductively peels off lederhosen
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My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.