“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
my dad when a sex scene comes on
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I love art.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.