Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.