[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?