Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
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I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.