Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
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If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.