911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
You Might Also Like
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.